Four inch heels and liquor, fall down quicker

The recent sorority and fraternity rush seasons have led to a marked escalation in social events, which inevitably leads to a dramatic increase in the number of dressed up girls heading in the direction of Zimple street. We, the onlookers who have chosen not to be involved in Greek life, have been privy to the gaggles of girls leaving for their themed formals, rainbow parties or what have you.

Don’t get me wrong, this happens all year long, but it has been more noticeable as of late. Whether it be cowgirls, mermaids or wooly mammoths, there seems to be one thing that most have in common - the total lack of ability to walk in high-heeled shoes.

There is something very important to realize here: If you wear Rainbows, Havaianas or Ugg boots every single day of your life, and you think that you can slip on your $20 pair of stilettos and survive an entire night of drunken revelry, well, then you are totally, sadly, devastatingly wrong.

How do I know that you are incapable of walking in shoes that aren’t as flat as your chest (circa 1996)? Well, there are a few telltale signs: Your upper body weight is pitched forward at a precarious angle; your eyes are roving maniacally on the ground to watch for any upcoming hazards; you seem unable to straighten your legs all the way and are making movements similar to that of a burglar pussyfooting around a sleeping house.

Now let’s assume that somehow you’ve made it to your destination in one piece. What’s next? Drinks and dancing, of course. Here’s where another crucial factor comes into play: Things aren’t going to get any easier after you’ve had a few drinks. The general consensus among inexperienced heel wearers seems to be that if you get drunk, you will forget how much those shoes hurt you and the night will go perfectly. Sorry to burst your bubble: You’re wrong!

Drunkenly dancing and flailing around in your $20 heels will result in the development of agonizing blisters. Even if by some miracle of baby Jesus you manage to survive the night, you will have hell to pay for the next two weeks.

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